Navigating Conversations

The human race is made up of incredibly diverse personalities, and we all have to communicate. We have to know how to be engaging and engaged, how to share information, how to assess the situation, and how to mollify circumstances we cannot control. Humans are in the business of conversation. It comes with exciting, unpredictable circumstances, and it means being confronted by the extremes. Conversation creates the most rewarding connection, imprinting an impact that remains well beyond the last word. And it presents situations of intense and awkward conflict that can resonate just as deeply. The key to conversation in edgy circumstances is to open the door. Often, the best solution is to confront a tough conversation head on. Accept the pressure. Be uncomfortable. Respect the situation, and face it with grace, understanding and confidence. You will be challenged by undesired interaction. It is how you navigate it that makes the difference.

Are you having a tough conversation? Here are some tips from expert Dr. Henry Cloud on how to calm yourself and the situation.

You know the feeling…the conversation you are about to have is going to be “tense.” You get that feeling in your gut – a little bit of dread. You know things can go badly. And it is important to remember that tension going into a conversation is going to get in the way of a positive outcome. Tension puts you into “fight-or-flight” mode, and when you are in that mode, you have less brain power to say and do the right things that are going to help you do well. You might get defensive and angry or avoid saying what you need to say. So, what to do?

First, acknowledge how you are feeling.

Acknowledging your tension gives you more mental and emotional space to navigate it better. Just say, “this is a little scary, and that’s ok.” Sit with it, and breathe. Let it pass as you breathe, then take the next step to realize that this is just a feeling, and you can do better than how you feel. Doing this will get you into the best mental framework to do what you need to do.

Second, prepare.

Get clear about the outcome you desire. What do you want to leave the conversation having said? How do you want the other person to feel during and after the conversation? Here are some options for good outcomes to have in your mind:

• I desire to, first of all, be calm and speak with a calm and positive tone throughout the conversation.

• I will listen first to understand, and have the other person feel like I have listened to them and truly understand where they are coming from.

• I will acknowledge what they think and feel, and then let them know my perspective and what I would like for them to understand.

• I will stay solution-oriented. I will ask them, “What do you think we can do to get to a good outcome? What would work for both of us? What do you need from me? How can I get you what you need?”

Third, practice what you are going to say.

Write it down, or role-play with a friend. Get all of the emotion out before you have the conversation. Drain the anger or pain out of your words. Practicing what you want to say and how you are going to say it will make you feel more confident and ready to have the conversation. Your brain will have some paths to operate on, and you will be less likely to “lose it” in the heat of the moment.

Fourth, begin the conversation by acknowledging the value of the person and your relationship with a positive tone.

This will calm them down. “I am glad we are getting a chance to talk because I love you, and our relationship is so important to me. So, I hope we can get to a good understanding of each other and come to a good solution for both of us.”

Then, move into the conversation by listening to understand them first.

Avoid jumping in, interrupting or getting defensive. Just listen and empathize, “So, I think I understand. This ____ has hurt you (upset you, made you mistrust me, or anything that is relevant to your situation).” Let them know you understand before getting into your own thoughts and feelings. From there, you can execute on the outcomes above.

Not all conversations will have the outcome you desire, but remember, you can only control yourself and how you behave, not what the other person will do or what the eventual outcome will be. But, if you go in prepared, positive, listening and calm, you will really increase the chances that it will go well!

Dr. Henry Cloud first shared his expertise with us during a Blackberry Conversation at Blackberry Farm.